I'm an infrequent journalist. I know. It's just that too much is happening, an i really dont have time anymore. [thats a lie. I just don't have any modivation]It's 1134 at night and i dont want to sleep. I dont want to sleep because when i'm in a mood like this one i have weird, sad dreams. i'm crying more then i used to. for no reason. right now i have tears obscuring my vision and my throat is tight and i cant breathe. i'm not me anymore. i never used to cry, i used to be strong. i used to hate when people touched me. i used to wake up in the morning, ready for the day. i dont anymore, none of it. now i blast my music at 1138 in the evening. now i just need a hug. now i sit in the shower hugging my knees crying because nobody can hear me. nobody can see me. i dont have to think about anything other then the water streaming down my face. i miss being happy, being content.
i'm annoyed all the time now. i get mad about nothing at all. like my best friend leaving me to speak to a boy after an evacuation from school and never coming back. like having to clean the dishes. like people telling bad jokes. i'm just annoyed, or bored, or sad. its not like me, i feel like i'm just existing [not living] i feel like everything i'm doing is for long time goals, and all my long turm goals are to leave here.
i miss my dad. i miss my family. i PROMICED last year that i wouldnt stay away for long, but i have, i'm just a fucking lier. i dont have a happy place, a place i go in my mind that calms me. what once made me feel better now just makes me sad. every time i picture anything in my head that used to make me smile now makes me cry. i cant write, cant look at the pictures i've taken, cant even watch any fucking movies about anything remotely sad without crying.
my dad was suposed to come back for a while with my grandma and grandpa at the end of october. key word? was. fucking WAS. i didnt know how much i was looking foward to seeing them until i heard they wernt coming. i cant ake this anymore. cant take being promiced stuff and then having it taken away, postponed. i was suposed to get a puppy. she said "yeah, lets get it" and then 2 hours later, two hours spent picking out names, she said "nah, your leaving in teo years anyway". i was being"conpulsive" and so we shouldnt get the puppy. i really hate her, and i'm done playing cute. life is going to get miserable. world war (actually, i've lost count of the number of wars i've waged.. lets just say a bagillion) here i come. she made me find a ride home after work on saturday. she wanted to go camping. she hates camping. i got off at 11pm... so i couldnt walk. now the creepy baker guy knows where i live >.>
my mother is using her cancer as an excuse to neglect her responcabilities. shes using it as a reason to not drive me anywhere, to strand me places. as a reason to keep me away from my dad and family. its pissing me off (see? the annoyed constantly thing) lets goooo mrs. lets go bitch. lets fuckin' go.